When I was in high school, though I was still more optimistic than most teenagers, I did have my share of angst. Recently I was doing some purging of old stuff. I ran across a journal from these high school days. I read a few passages and all these feelings flooded in.

I would say that I was somewhat of a ghost in high school. I was not part of any one particular group. I floated around to whatever person would talk to me that day. It was painful not to have true friends. When I look back now, I have to say I am grateful for this. During these days in high school of this feeling of displacement, I learned so much. I did a lot of observation. I noticed how each group interacted with one another. As much as I longed to be part of these groups I also saw beneath these friendships. I knew that even though these people would spend every lunch together, they were not really true friends. They would talk about each other behind their backs and say nasty things. There was so much jealousy and anger.

I am now a grown woman. I have some very true friends and I am so happy. I still observe relationships. I still see the same false friendships everywhere. Is this something that is just part of life? I would love to say that I personally have it all figured out, but alas I do not. I too find myself being false. Why? For me, it comes down to two major things… wanting to fit in and being good enough. I have made progress with my belief that I am perfect just the way I am. I really do believe we all are. So why still is it so hard to stand up and be me? Again I am grateful for the gift that I was given, this ability to see behind the curtain. A great teacher said one time “just by noticing, you can heal it”. I believe this to be true, so I must be on my way.

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